Luka Kovac (writing and gaming persona)

November Prompt 006: Bravery Quote/Artistic License

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 05:23:04 GMT

006. Bravery is the capacity to perform properly even when scared half to death. --General Omar Bradley

"Luka, we have to go!" While the gunfire outside the small African clinic made Carter jump, it seemed to have little if any affect on the tall Croat as he continued with the amputation of the leg of the small girl on the table in front of him.

"Not yet, take the others, I can finish up here. I'll follow with Chance when I'm done." Despite his efforts to conceal it, the tremble in his voice betrayed his own fears on the danger of their current situation.

"We're not leaving you." Carter stood firm even as he spotted several soldiers, with their rifles at the ready, cross the yard outside the window. "We won't have long and they'll be inside."

"I know, Carter, but, if I don't get everything closed before I move her, I risk losing her. I'm not taking that chance if I don't have to." Kovac's irritation toward the younger doctor was growing as the man persisted. Did he really think he wasn't aware of what was happening outside and the risk he was putting them all in by not stopping the surgery immediately? Hell, if Carter could get past his own fear he would see there was no choice in finishing, he reached for more gauze in an attempt to clear the field of the rapidly pooling blood.

"Luka!" Carter reached of the IV as the gunfire and yells outside signaled that they were now directly involved in the battle. "It's now or never, we take her as she is or they'll kill her and us."

"Damn." Kovac tied off his last stitch before hastily wrapping what remained of the young girl's leg. It would have to do. "All right, I've got her, give me the IV and let's go." After wiping his hands on the already bloodied towel on the cot, he scooped Chance up into his arms.

"Run!" As he hit the back-porch he heard the sound of the clinic's front door being forced open, it was all a number's game now, for all of them.

Muse: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER
Words: 341

Nov Prompt Qc) Most amazing thing that anyone has ever accomplished?/Creative Muses

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 04:25:41 GMT

Questions: c) What do you think is the most amazing thing that anyone has ever accomplished?

As a doctor, as someone who survived a war, and as someone who has chased death more often than any one person should have to in their life, I suppose the expected response would be for me to say it is having the ability to hold someone's life or death in your hands on a daily basis. You would think I would say that, but, I can't, because for me, there is one greater accomplishment that I didn't realize the importance of until I thought it had been lost to me.

I married my first wife, Danijela, when I was 20, and she was just 18 and within a year of our beginning our life together, we welcomed our first child, a daughter, Jasna. Within three years we welcomed our second child, a son, we named Marko. I loved being a father, and though work and classes often kept me away from them more than I liked, when I was home, when I wasn't studying, I wanted nothing more than to spend my time with my wife and children.

And then they were gone.

I thought my life was over. I wanted it to be. I prayed for the next mortar that fell to strike the building I was in, for a sniper's bullet to find me as I walked the streets of Vukovar in the days and weeks after they were laid to rest, but, they never came. Even in those final days, as the City fell to the Serbs I was left to wonder why I would be one of those spared when so many close to me would perish.

Danijela and I were only married for 5 years, but, it may have well been a lifetime for the love we shared, and without her and our children, I was nothing. I was lost, I was alone, and I couldn't understand why God refused to allow me to join those I loved in death.

It took years for me to learn the reason behind his sparing me. Years that would lead me far from the memories that still sometimes visit my dreams. In time I discovered I was able to love again, and with that love I rediscovered the one thing I thought I would never know again.

Parenthood. Fatherhood. The day I looked into my baby son, Josip's face I knew there was nothing more amazing, no greater accomplishment in fact, than the ability we have to create new life and with it to become a parent. To this day, I hold my son, and he seems to have a power over me that I can't explain. It doesn't matter what my day has been like, one look at his face, seeing his smile, and everything pales in comparison.

In the beginning I was worried that Joe would be taken from me as Jasna and Marko had been, but as the years pass, those fears have faded as well. As I watch him grow from infant, to toddler, to this amazing little boy who wants to know and do everything I can't imagine not being here to share those experiences with him, and I thank God for not answering my prayers all those years ago. More then anything though, I want to teach him all of those things I wasn't able to give to the brother and sister he will never know. I want to be the father to him that I would have been to my first children had they not been taken before they had a chance to experience life as he now is.

Muse: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER
Words: 601

Prompt 307: Trick or Treat? / Theatrical Muse

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 00:54:42 GMT

Her name was Valerie, and she walked into my life at a time when it seemed like everyone else was walking out of it, or at least everyone who mattered that is. I suppose I couldn't really blame them, I'd become someone even I didn't want to be around, and as much as I wanted companionship, I was doing nothing that made anyone want to spend more than a few hours with me at most.

I met her in a bar. I was sitting at the bar alone, doing my best to drink myself into a stupor before finding my way home, a habit that was becoming far too common at the time, when she approached me. I wasn't surprised when she stopped to talk to me, women hit on me all the time, and back then I was taking advantage of it more than I want to admit. I needed to be with someone, I needed someone to hold me, to show me I could be loved again, even if it was only for an hour, and even if it was a stranger.

I guess what made her different from those that came before her, and even those that would come after, was that she was the only one I ever paid. Don't get me wrong, I didn't immediately jump at her offer, if anything my ego was a little bruised by it. Why should I have to pay a woman to spend time with me? But at that moment, in thinking about it, I knew I was alone, and I needed so very badly not to be, so, I said yes, and that night became the first of many I spent in her company before I found my way out of the darkness that I was living in.

Muse: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER
Words: 303

I'm finally back...

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 23:07:18 GMT

While I have yet to actually get my reading glasses (I see my doctor on the 10th for that), my eye surgeries went well and I'm seeing at a distance with no glasses. I picked up drugstore specs to tide me over and my muses are once more beginning to speak

That said, I finally feel really to start working my way back into responding to prompts with Luka and the others. I plan to also pick up those dropped rp threads, so, for those of you who have been patiently waiting, watch your mailboxes.

Thank you to everyone for your patience and understanding through all of this, I do appreciate it.

JD, voice for Luka, Daniel, and others...

I have news!

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 23:16:01 GMT

Finally I have good news after so long of nothing but bad. I learned the results of my last blood draw and I'm up to 3.8, only .1 from what is considered the "normal" range. No more restrictions from going places, and my doctor is fairly confidant the danger associated with the allergic reaction has finally passed.

I saw my eye surgeon today, and go back tomorrow for additional pre-surgery tests before going under the knife for my first eye on the 17th. After a little recovery time, I'll go back in, and the second eye will be done on October 1st. I'm hoping that by mid-Oct I will be back to my old self and ready to jump back into prompts with Luka and the rest of my muses.

Thanks in advance to everyone for their patience and the positive thoughts.

JD

What Would You Give To End Cancer Today?

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 16:49:02 GMT

I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow, I promise an actual update when I get home, in the meantime...

In 1938, the March of Dimes asked everyone to give up ten cents to cure polio. It sounded crazy at the time, but it worked. Now standup2cancer launching a drive to collect 10,000 five-dollar donations in four weeks, getting them $50,000 closer to ending cancer.

One person's five dollars can make a huge difference. To learn more, visit su2c.org at the link below.

http://www.standup2cancer.org/su2c/five

Yes, it's another update.

Sat, 22 Aug 2009 00:58:13 GMT

Well, I have good news and bad news in this update...

On the good news side, my white count has finally started to rise, it is now up to 2.8 and if it continues to rise I'll get to avoid the bone marrow test that is currently pending.

Unfortunately, it seems with all good news in my life there must come bad, and I now know why my computer viewing has been so difficult. It seems that the cataracts that have been sitting in my eyes for over a year have "blossomed" and I'm now scheduled to see a surgeon on the 3rd about their removal.

Again, I can only ask people's patience with me, I love my muses, especially Luka, and I miss writing for them, but, I just can't get into their heads right now for prompts, I hope you understand.

JD

My blood test results came back

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 05:17:55 GMT

So, I found out the results of my blood tests, and instead of the white blood count going up, it went down again. I spoke to my doctor, and she's ordered another draw on Monday, depending what those results show, she thinks she'll probably refer me to a hematologist for tests to see if they can find a reason for why my count is so low, and why it continues to drop. I'm not excited, both about the testing, and being stuck at home because she doesn't want me out where I might be exposed to sick people. Keep your finger's crossed that it's nothing serious, Wednesday will be the day we get the next results.

JD

Yet another update

Thu, 06 Aug 2009 07:35:23 GMT

Thought I'd share the latest for those who might be wondering. I'm still not doing very well, my white count is still low, only 1.9 at the last blood draw, and that's just up .1 since my discharge and almost a full 1 down from what it was when they admitted me to the hospital in July. My doctor has told me I'm not allowed to go out where I might be exposed to anyone who might be ill, and I'm not even allowed to go to the water therapy classes I use to manage the pain of my arthritis and fibro, so, I'm essentially home-bound. If we see no improvement with the lab results we're waiting on now, they are going to start looking for causes outside of just the drug allergy they initially expected was the cause of everything, which gives me cause for worry, but, I'm hanging in.

As much as I want to, I just can't seem to get my head into writing right now, and while I love my muses, I just don't want to post crap to say I've written something. Thank you everyone, for your patience, and your messages, it means a lot. Mods, if you have someone waiting on Luka and you need to punt me, I understand, I just don't know how long this is going to take.

JD

Another Update

Sat, 25 Jul 2009 01:22:29 GMT

After 6 days in the hospital, and 3 days of being sick at home before that, I'm ready for things to get back to normal. At it's worst my white blood count had gotten down to 1.2 and the doctors had restricted my vistors to only those who were healthy, and were a step away from implimenting isolation procedures because I was not fighting off infections. My count on discharge was back up to 2.8 and hopefully it will continue to climb.

While they are not sure exactly what happened, we think it was a combination of things brought on by an allergic reaction to a new medication and then accentuated by my auto-immune disorder which was unable to fight the after-effects, as if those weren't enough, both my Fibro and Arthritis were also in major flare-ups. We think things are turning around, but I have two doctor visits next week which will be the true show for that, so, keep your fingers crossed.

I've just been home two days and while I haven't yet started to really write, I'm hoping that by next week I'll start to feel like I'm ready to. Thank you to all the Mods and those who read Luka for their patience.

JD

Mun Update

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 22:26:53 GMT

I know it's seems like forever since I've posted, and I offer my apologies to both the Communities I have Luka in as well as those who follow his musings. I deal with serious health issues and I've been trying to manage major flare-ups with several of them that are impacting not just my ability to focus, but my writing in general. I saw my doctor on Friday and in addition to changing one of the medicines I'm on, I also received injections in both shoulders that we hope will alleviate some of the pain. With luck this will allow me to regain the concentration I need to respond to prompts. Once again, thank you to everyone for their patience and understanding.

Prompt 285: What have you done to make ends meet when you were broke? / Theatrical Muse

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 18:55:06 GMT

The only work I've ever done for pay has been in medicine.

I knew at a very young age I wanted to be a doctor, so I started school as soon as I finished my military service. I'm not going to say things were easy, because they were anything but. In fact, there were many times we struggled, but, my wife and I had decided from the start of our marriage that we weren't going to depend on our parents to bail us out when things got rough. We felt that if we were old enough to get married, then we had to prove we were old enough to handle whatever came our way.

Of course neither of us expected things to get as bad as they did in Vukovar, but, by then, it didn't even matter what kind of a job you had, everyone was facing the same obstacles, and even if the money had been there, it wouldn't have mattered.

Muse: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER
Words: 162

Communities and Challenges

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 22:43:54 GMT

Name and last prompt done/active Community

aamuses: Step 5 / Step 6 not posted
artistic license: May
couples therapy: 64.5
creative muses: May
on the couch: 48.4
realm of the muse: 2009 18.2
theatrical muse: 285
writers muses: 85.6

Challenges
10 er fics: General Table Completed/ Character Table Open
10 Hurt Comfort: New Chart Started: Do it Yourself
Basic Chart 9 Completed
100 Moods: 62 Prompts Completed
100 Situatons: 71 Prompts Completed

Communities that are no longer being updated
canon muses: closed
erotic muses: withdrew
ineffable fandom: no recent prompt updates
muse pens: no recent prompt updates

talking muses: closed
true writers: closed
the big show: closed</blockquote>

May Prompt 005: Meet One Person? /Creative Muses

Sun, 31 May 2009 01:37:42 GMT

"Why do you keep asking me things like that?" Luka glanced at Abby over the rim of the beer he was drinking.

"Because I'm trying to find out more about you, now, answer the question. If you could meet any person in the world, dead or alive, who would you want it to be?" As she finished, Abby picked a peanut out of the bowl on the bar and tossed it at him.

"Hey, don't throw things." Luka lifted a hand, deflecting it before it made contact, but, not before Abby had another at the ready.

"Are you going to answer the question then? I've got a whole bowl, I can do this all night." As if to prove her point, the small brunette cocked her wrist, intending to make good on the threat.

"Last chance."

"You're not going to know who it is." As he spoke, Luka kept his hand up, ready to block again if needed.

"You're stalling." She flexed her fingers for the throw, sure he was going to force her to make good on her threat afterall.

"Okay, okay, Tin Ujević. Satisfied." Luka kept his hand up just in case Abby decided to throw the peanut anyway.

"Who?" Unable to register anything but confusion at his answer, Abby automatically released the weapon and let it fall back into the bowl.

"Tin Ujević, he's considered to be one of the greatest Croatian poets of all time, and I told you that you wouldn't know who he was." Luka reached for his beer not that the threat of attack had passed.

"A poet? A poet. Since when have you been into poetry?" Abby swept her hair from her face as she tried to reconcile herself with his answer.

"Since, I don't know, longer than I can remember."

"Do you have any of his poetry?" Abby found her curiosity growing as this new side of Luka was revealed.

"Yeah, I do."

"Will you share it with me?"

"It's not in English."

"That doesn't matter, you can read them to me." Abby laid her hand on his as she made the request.

"I want to hear them the way you do. Luka, I want you to share them with me."

Two poems for you to enjoy...

Zelenu granu by Tin Ujević

And Uhapsen u magli by Tin Ujević

May Prompt 006: Shadows / Artistic License

Fri, 29 May 2009 01:22:29 GMT

Keep to the shadows...

It was a mantra he forced himself to repeat anytime he left the apartment. In the early days it had been done simply as a reminder to himself.

Keep to the shadows...

The snipers were becoming more and more prevalent, their aim far deadlier. It didn't seem to matter who their targets were, the elderly woman queuing for a loaf of bread, the man with his child filling water jugs at the City spigot. Anyone was a ready target.

Keep to the shadows

It's easy before dawn, at dusk, even into the night, though risk is still there, the darkness holds safety. Or so we like to trick ourselves into believing, in reality there is no safety in our lives anymore. It's with full daylight that the true danger arrives though, but, what can we do? We have to feed our families, we have to have water, for some, like me, there is still work that must be done and so we risk our lives in the world we no longer know.

Keep to the shadows

What choice do we have? Do we become hermits, hiding away in the darkness of our apartments with no heat, no electricity, no running water until necessity forces us to venture beyond those walls? This is our world now, the world we have bequeathed to our children, a world of fear and certain death unless we pray for God's protection, and keep to the shadows...

Muse: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER
Words: 237

Thank you!

Tue, 19 May 2009 06:36:39 GMT

Thank you to all those who follow Luka and Joe, to all who nominated, and to those who will vote, your support is greatly appreciated.

Section One

5. Overall Most Beautiful/Handsome

Nominated dr_luka_kovac

7. Snappiest Dresser

Nominated dr_luka_kovac

11. Mature Hot Stuff

Nominated dr_luka_kovac

Section Two

4. Canon Roleplay Muse of the Year - Lead Character

nominated dr_luka_kovac

Section Three

4. Outstanding Prompt Response - Long Form

D. Dr. Luka Kovac

6. Emotional Prompt Response of the Year

C. Dr. Luka Kovac

7. Comedy Prompt Response of the Year

M. Dr. Luka Kovac

8. Canon Prompt Response of the Year

E. Dr. Luka Kovac

10. Fanfic of the Year

C. Dr. Luka Kovac

Section Four

5. NPC of the Year

C. dr_luka_kovac 's Joe

9. Good Guy/Good Girl of the Year

Nominated dr_luka_kovac.

13. Nicest Writer/Roleplayer

Nominated notyourdannyboy (one of my other muses)

Joe's up for an award!

Tue, 19 May 2009 06:03:57 GMT

I'm a Father, how can I not be proud of my son, so, when you cast your Tammy ballot in Section Four, please remember this face...

Cast your vote here: The Tammys

Vote my Tata or I'm going to cry...

Mon, 18 May 2009 04:34:31 GMT

Thank you to all who follow Luka's musings, he's a challenge to write, but, I do so enjoy him.
Please feel free to vote for him here:

Prompt 2009.18.2. What meals or food do you make really well?/ Realm of the Muse

Tue, 12 May 2009 20:13:48 GMT

Now that we're settled in Boston, I find I'm spending more time in the kitchen than I ever did in Chicago. I enjoy it, I not only find it a great way to relax, but, it also gives me a chance to cook the foods I grew up with. I think being back in Croatia for as long as I was while my father was ill, and reconnecting with the importance of those family mealtimes made me realize that I wanted to share that with Abby and Joe once I was home.

I look at the comfort I find in the foods I grew up with, the thick soups and stews with their fresh baked croutons, the goulash and seafood, and yes, even the pastries, and I want that for my son. In fact, I'm cooking today, and as the smell of the simmering broth fills the whole house, all I have to do is close my eyes to find myself transported back to my mama's kitchen. I want my son to have these same memories, to enjoy the food as much as I do, so, I give him this gift as it was given to me, out of love.

Čobanac sa žličnjacima
Shepherd's Goulash

Ingredients

300g. (11 oz.) veal
300g. (11 oz.) pork
6 tablespoons oil
200 g. (7 oz.) onions
100g. (4 oz,) carrots
50g. (2. oz) parsley root
1 clove garlic
ground sweet red pepper (to taste)
salt and pepper
1 chili pepper
1 tablespoon ajvar ( a piquant, spicy and delicious mixture of round, red, sweet peppers (known locally as tomato peppers), aubergines, and chili peppers, first baked, then peeled, minced and cooked to a thick consistency).
1 bay leaf
1 tablespoon smetana
half a litre (20 fl. oz.) white wine
1 tablespoon Vegeta

Foer Dumplings:
350 g. (12 oz.) flour
1 egg
salt

Chop the onion. Grate the carrots and parsley root. Wash and dice the meat. Chop the garlic.
Heat the oil and lightly fry the onion, add the carrot and parsley root and braise for a while. Then add the meat and spice it with chili (or cayenne) pepper, red pepper and salt. Add a little hot water, bay leaf, Vegeta and allow to simmer gently, adding further water as required.

When the meat is half cooked, add the dumplings, garlic, and ground pepper. Finally, stir in the ajvar, wine and smetana.

Dumplings:
Mix the egg, salt and flour with sufficient water to produce a thick dough. Work the dough by beating it against the side of the mixing bowl with a wooden spoon until it becomes smooth and elastic and peels easily away from the spoon. Spoon pieces of prepared dough into a larger saucepan of salted boiling water. Cook for about 15 minutes, remove the dumplings and drain them.

Prompt 48: 4. Love is what you've been through with somebody- James Thurber/On The Couch

Tue, 12 May 2009 18:49:11 GMT

From the time I was a young child I remember sitting and listening as people told stories of finding that one person who they knew was meant for them. From my parents, to my grandparents, to their friends, everyone had a story, if not of finding their own love, than of someone they knew who had. I don't know if I really gave them anymore thought than all of the rest of the stories I heard through my childhood until that moment that I first saw Danijela.

From my very first glimpse of her I knew that she was the one I wanted to spend my life with and nothing anyone could say could sway me. Because of our ages, Danijela was just 16 when we met, we waited two years to marry and during that time we made so many plans for our future. I don't think two years could have moved any slower than those two did, and it certainly wasn't helped by our being separated because while Danijela was finishing school, I was away fulfilling my military obligations.

We married when Danijela turned 18, and nine months later we welcomed our daughter, Jasna into our lives. If I thought I had loved my wife before, it was nothing compared to what I felt toward her once she began to carry that life inside of her, than later gave birth. Can anything be as beautiful as a mother and her child. I could have spent hours just watching them together, envying her that closeness gained with our daughter as she breastfed her. It would deepen still further with the birth three years later of our son.

I'll never know why our love was tested in the ways that it was. I'll never know why the life that seemed so perfect from it's start would end so suddenly, but, it did. I do know though that the love I felt for Danijela, the love I still feel for her will always be with me. It took me a long time to understand that it's okay for me to keep loving her. It took me a long time to understand that there was room in my heart for someone besides Danijela, and once I realized that I not only loved her even more, but, I could at long last move on.

Muse: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER
Words: 391

Prompt 64.5 Reminder Picture/ Couples Therapy

Tue, 12 May 2009 01:09:58 GMT

Patient's Name: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER
Word Count: 337
Partner Patient’s Name (canon): Abby Lockhart

Find a picture of something that reminds you of your partner and explain why.

It was our first date, we went to a bar for a drink, and...there was this foosball table there. I'd never played before, and while she denys it, I still say she cheated. I'd like to say it was the perfect first date, but it wasn't, things happened that neither of us could have expected, things that could well have ended things for us even before they had begun.

I'm not saying the date, date part was bad, well, other than the fact that she cheats at foosball, we had a good time. We drank a little, talked about nothing that meant anything, had something to eat, and we enjoyed each other's company. Oh, yeah, and I kissed her. We had a good time. When it came time to leave we decided to walk along the river, that's when things fell apart.

If I could go back now and undo that decision, I'd go it in an instant. No one wants to believe they hold that kind of rage inside of them, but, even worse than it being exposed, is having someone else witness it. You see, I killed someone that night. I didn't mean for it to happen, I just reacted, and as a result a man died. Abby could have walked away, turned her back on me forever, I wouldn't have blamed her if she did. Who wants to be with someone capable of such violence? I even tried to push her away that night, I was disgusted with myself and disgusted by what I'd done. Yes, the man had tried to mug us, but, he didn't deserve to die for that.

Abby didn't give up on me though, and while things didn't work out for us then, we eventually found our way back to each other. It took time, and we both went through a lot of changes to get to where we are, but, we have a beautiful son now, and we're happy, and you can't ask for more than that.

Prompt 282: Cremation or burial? Talk about funeral arrangements./TM

Sat, 09 May 2009 00:20:22 GMT

This is something Abby and I have talked about quite a bit, maybe because of my past, but, mainly because I felt she deserved to know that this was something I feel quite strongly about. For a long time I felt that my life had ended with the death of my wife Danijela, and our two young children in that small apartment in Vukovar. When their caskets were lowered into the ground, I couldn't shake my feelings of guilt over having failed them, and in that moment, had I been given the choice of joining them, I would have done so willingly. Despite the number of years that have passed since those burials, I know, and Abby understands, that my place belongs beside my first family, and so, when my time comes, she and Joe will take me home to Croatia and bury me there in that Vukovar cemetery. It's my hope, that in their own time, that they might too join me, but, that is a decision that will be theirs to make and not one I can make for them.

Because I was raised Catholic, and that faith was so much a part of my life with Danijela, and still is important to my family, I've already expressed my desire for a Catholic funeral and burial. I think it's a way too I can honor Bishop Stewart's memory, and thank him again for opening the door that allowed me to re-find my faith after many years away. On that day, when my body is once more reunited with those of my family, and my spirit rises to Heaven, I have no doubt that Danijela, Jasna, and Marko will be there waiting to greet me, just as I one day will be there to greet Abby and Joe when their time comes.

Muse: Luka Kovac
Fandom:ER
Words: 309
Note: This earlier post from 10/06 deals with this exact event: http://dr-luka-kovac.livejournal.com/37664.html

Communities and Challenges

Sun, 03 May 2009 01:11:49 GMT

Name and last prompt done/active Community
aamuses: Step 5 / Step 6 not posted
artistic license: May
couples therapy: 64.5
creative muses: May
on the couch: 48.4
realm of the muse: 2009 18.2
theatrical muse: 282
writers muses: 85.6

Challenges
10 er fics: General Table Completed/ Character Table Open
10 Hurt Comfort: New Chart Started: Do it Yourself
Basic Chart 9 Completed
100 Moods: 62 Prompts Completed
100 Situatons: 71 Prompts Completed

Communities that are no longer being updated
canon muses: closed
erotic muses: withdrew
ineffable fandom: no recent prompt updates
muse pens: no recent prompt updates

talking muses: closed
true writers: closed
the big show: closed

Ghosts Finale / Revised

Sat, 02 May 2009 22:42:55 GMT

An ER Fanfic following the "Bishop Stewart" arc

The dis-orientation of a mind still half-asleep lingered and Angelique offered a reassuring smile as she waited him out. Even with as long as he had slept his eyes were barely open, the dark circles below them speaking of more then a few restless nights. "You can go back to sleep, Sweetie." She gave him the option even though she inwardly hoped he would refuse.

"What time is it?" The words came out as a hoarse croak and brought a frown to her face before she lay a hand on his forehead. "Almost ten, Luka, have you been sick?" When he nodded lethargically her frown deepened. "Have you been taking anything?" She asked the question as she rose, then filled a glass with water. "Antibiotics." He saved the response for her return. "I suppose you treated yourself too." She couldn't help chastising softly as she held the glass so he could drink. "How long have you been sick?" She withdrew the water as he raised a hand to push it away. "I don't know, a few weeks." He rubbed the hand across his face in a failed attempt to rouse himself then started to sit only to have her lay a hand on his shoulder to still him. "Stay. Now, let me get this straight, you've been sick for several weeks, you're self medicating yourself, barely sleeping from what I can see, and if you're true to form probably not eating either. Is that about right?" Her face had hardened slightly with the summary and the realization of how close to the edge he was. When he offered nothing in his defense she sighed, then reached across to touch his chin with her fingertips, forcing him to look at her. "Luka, it's been ten years, you can't keep punishing yourself because you lived and they didn't. We can keep going around and around this, but nothing will change the fact that your wife and children died that day and you didn't."

"I can't do this, not now." He made a failed attempt to pull away from her hold with the protest. "You have to do this now, Luka. Whatever led me here," She paused only to start again. "It's time to put this to rest." When he simply closed his eyes she found anger edging into the worry she felt for him. "No, I will not let you pretend this isn't happening. Luka, look at me." She tightened her hold enough to make it uncomfortable, then eased it as he opened his eyes again. "You can't fool me Luka, if you really wanted to die you would have done something about it by now. I'm guessing death isn't your goal. You can't possibly think that by punishing yourself you are somehow going to feel better about all that has happened?" She could feel the tensing to his jaw as he reacted to her words and though he had yet to move otherwise she sensed she had stumbled onto his ultimate goal. "That's it isn't it? You think that by denying yourself a real life you can make amends for having survived when the rest of your family didn't.

As he closed his eyes she felt the tremble pass though him. "Sweetie." She allowed her tone to soften, "We all lose people, it's part of life. I'm sorry you had to learn that lesson so young and that it cost you so much, but you can't stop living your own life because of it." She released her hold on him to brush her fingers back through the hair at his temple. "I know the man Danijela fell in love with, who she married, and who she chose to have her children with is still inside you, even if you don't want to admit it." She wiped the tears off his face as they began to fall with her words. "You deserve to be a husband and a father again Luka." She paused as he lifted an unsteady hand to his face.

"You don't understand." He opened his eyes as he wiped the wetness away. "What don't I understand, Sweetie, tell me. Make me understand?" Angelique fixed her eyes on his with the request. "I can't betray them." When he tried to roll to his side so he wouldn't have to face her she stopped him. "No, Luka, tell me. Why do you think you'd be betraying them?" This had gone on for far too many years and as much as she knew it would hurt, she also knew it was time to bring it to a resolution. "Luka, tell me why you think you would be betraying them?" She repeated the question when he didn't answer her.

She watched him silently as he raised a hand, rubbing first one eye then the other as he stalled for time. His hold was slipping and she could see the tremble of a barely controlled breakdown running through him. How much more could she push before he fell over the crumbling edge that he clung so precariously to? "Luka, tell me." As he cleared his throat she offered the water again, letting him have that extra moment to frame his thoughts.

"Danijela." He spoke her name reverently as the glass was withdrawn. "She was my first love, my only love." He made the admission knowing that in doing so he was admitting what he already knew in his heart about his feelings for Abby. "We promised to love each other forever." He sniffed back the approaching tears. "Jasna and Mar..." His voice broke and he paused to gather the strength he needed to continue. "Jasna and Marko, they were our future, everything we did was for them." When he moved to roll to his side this time Angelique made no move to stop him. "I thought by becoming a doctor I could give them the life Danijela and I never had." He swallowed deeply, fighting for the words. "Instead I got them all killed." He covered his face with his hand as his hold slipped even more.

"Luka, you're choice of careers didn't kill your family, a mortar shell did." She touched his shoulder lightly, "It was war, and you can't keep blaming yourself for something you had no control over." How many times would she have to go over this before he could finally accept it? "I still don't see how you think that living your life, that being happy is betraying them." Angelique raised her hand gently touch his cheek. "Can you tell me?" It took several agonizingly long minutes before he could find the words to answer and when he finally did speak it was in an unsteady whisper. "When I'm with someone else, oh God, forgive me, there are times I forget about them." He lifted pained eyes to her. "What kind of person am I that I could forget my own wife and children?"

"Oh, Sweetie, " She couldn't not share his pain in that moment. "You aren't betraying them by not thinking about them every minute of the day. They're always going to be part of you, but your heart is big enough to let others in too, just like you would have found room for more children with Danijela." As she spoke she moved to the bed, settling down beside him before easing his head onto her lap. "I know it seems like your world ended that day Sweetie, but it didn't, I promise you that. As long as you live, they live." When he turned into her she smiled, folding her arms around him as she leaned down to kiss his hair. "Let it go Sweetie, you've held onto it for long enough."

The release from him was almost immediate, a shuddered breath the signal that the wall had finally given way. As had been the case the night before Angelique found herself unable to do little more then hold him as his body shook, whispering reassurances and comfort until exhaustion finally claimed him. The ghosts that had held him prisoner for ten years had been exposed, his fears stripped bare. The healing could finally begin, and with the healing he could once more learn to live, and even someday love. She could only hope she would be there to witness it.

The End

Ghosts 36/37 / Revised

Sat, 02 May 2009 22:33:16 GMT

An ER Fanfic following the "Bishop Stewart" arc

Exhaustion had finally claimed him and though his mind wrapped itself around the memories of his past, they were not enough to rouse him. For the first time in longer then he could remember his dreams were not filled with the horrors of war...of death and loss....

"Luka..." Glancing up from the book that lay propped on his knees he turned towards the kitchen where he knew his wife was. "I'm studying." He tapped the pen on his lip as he returned his attention to the textbook in front of him. "Luka, don't make me come in there, I need your help." Danijela's tone didn't reflect any immediate need but the fact she had asked twice made him look back to the doorway. "It can't wait?" Without waiting for an answer he lay the pen between the pages as a bookmark before closing the text and setting it aside. "Never-mind, I'm coming." Rising he grabbed the empty coffee cup that sat by his chair and went to join her. As he reached the kitchen he sat the cup on the table before walking over to where she sat at the table nursing their son. "You're beautiful when you do that." He offered a smile with the compliment before pulling a chair out to join her. "You always say that, but thank you anyway." She returned his smile with one of her own even as she switched the baby to the other breast. "Jasna needs a bath before bed, can you do it for me?" She let her deepening smile act as leverage. "I have 3 more chapters to get through tonight." He reached across the table to stroke Marko's hair. "You also have a daughter who needs a bath and I'm a little busy here. Go spend some time with her, please? I'll make it up to you later." With a laugh he drew his hand back then stood, moving behind her before planting a kiss on her now upturned mouth. "I'll hold you to that."

The laugh of his wife mingled with those of his daughter as his dream shifted to memories of the small girl in her bath. A cherished gift of bubble-bath doled out a few precious drops at a time. "Tata." She giggled in delight as she blew bubbles from her hand only to watch them strike him as he knelt beside the basin that served as her bathtub. "Jasna." He admonished her in mock anger which only further delighted her before she repeated the act. "I'm going to get you." He scooped some of the bubbles into his hand and plopped them on top of her head. "We need to wash your hair now." He scooped still more bubbles up with her now prepared.

This was the past he wanted to remember, he brought his hand up to rest alongside his face as he shifted slightly in his sleep.

Hearing the bed squeak Angelique looked over to where Luka still slept, then to her watch. Almost ten, she would need to wake him soon. She moved to his side, taking a seat in the chair beside him. He seemed so at peace, a look that had been as rare for him in the past as it seemed to be on him now. What would it take for him to put it all to rest, to face the consequences of what his families loss had done to him and to allow him to move forward?

She should have known she couldn't sit and simply watch him and as she brushed stray locks of hair from his face she smiled as he opened his eyes. "Good morning." She expected him to be confused, too much had happened for him not to be and he did not disappoint her. "Angelique?" His voice was quiet, deepened by sleep, rubbing his hand across his eyes he struggled to clear his jumbled thoughts. "You weren't a dream?" She could only smile at the question, before caressing his cheek with her fingertips. "No, Sweetie. I'm not a dream. We met at the lecture last night, at the Church. Do you remember that?" When he nodded she smiled, "Good, are you hungry? I ordered some breakfast in. Why don't you go take a shower and I'll call down for some fresh coffee, we have a lot of catching up to do."

to be continued...