What haven't I forgotten? There's been so much over the years or at least I thought there was.

For a long time I was sure I had forgotten how to smile, how to laugh. I had forgotten that any kind of joy existed because all I knew was death and sadness. I wanted the world to be dark place, because I needed to live there as my punishment for surviving when my family did not.

I'd forgotten what it meant to have a sense of family, of belonging, of home, and that too was by my own choice. All of those things were reminders of those who were no longer with me and while I still had my father and Niko, even being with them became too much, I had to leave, I had to abandon everything and everyone that reminded me of Danijela and my children if I was to have any hope of moving forward.

Moving forward, that's a joke in itself, it was more like running away. I couldn't set down any roots, and I didn't dare allow myself to form any serious friendships. Having friends meant they would ask questions about my past, questions I didn't want to answer, it was easier to just pick up and go, so, that's what I did until I got to Chicago, then everything started to change.

For a while I forgot about my past, I began to think I might be allowed to start a new life, okay, maybe I was slipping into someone else ready-made family, but, it was still a family, and I was all right with that. How could I have been so gullible? By the time I remembered the damage was done.

I can't say what made me try again and when that too failed to work I found myself losing my hold on not just my personal life, but my professional one as well. For so long work had been my escape, and suddenly I seemed to have forgotten why I was doing what I was doing. Nothing mattered anymore, not the patients, not the job, I simply put in the hours and when I wasn't there I drank myself stupid, and became a person I hated to look at in the mirror.

It took my own near death for me to finally find my way back from the darkness, and as I stepped into the light I rediscovered life, love, joy, I found my wife, I became a father again. I've learned that everyday may not be perfect, but, that doesn't matter, because I can handle it and if at the end of the day I can hold my son, and kiss my wife, then nothing else matters.

Muse: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER
Words: 458

Danijela and my children have been in my thoughts a lot lately. I shouldn't be surprised of course, they're always in my thoughts at this time of the year, but for some reason, this year is different. For the first time in seventeen years I'm not finding myself awakened in the middle of the night by Danijela's cries for help, or the sight of my baby boy's lifeless hand reaching for the help that didn't reach him in time. Even my failed efforts to keep Jasna alive have not visited me, and I can't help but wonder why this year is so different than all those that have passed before.

I can't go so far as to say that my nights have not however been dreamless, and as much as I understand Abby's increasing worry as night after night I find my sleep interrupted, I've been unable to share the nature of this year's dreams with her. I can't explain how I feel when I wake and traces of the dreams are still lingering with me, but, then I see Abby's face, and I wonder if she somehow knows. Have I said something in my sleep, and if so, does she see my reaction to them as a betrayal of the vows I made to her when we were married? It's at that point that it becomes too much and I know there will be no more sleep for me, so I flee the bed, and her, choosing instead to wander the still dark house in hopes of reconnecting with some of those memories that the dreams touched on.

Unlike in years past, jarred awake, only to be left wondering about what the dreams that woke me are about. Instead, It's like nightly I'm being led through a movie meant to remind me of the good times that my wife and I shared.

It's hard to believe that we'd have been married for 22 years now had Danijela not been taken from me that day in Vukovar. From the moment we met there was a connection neither of us could deny and neither the two years we were forced to wait to marry, or my time in the military were enough to change how we felt about each other. Even now, I still feel it at times, and these dreams seem to be reinforcing that bond we shared.

In previous years, the weeks leading up to the anniversary of the death of my family and the fall of Vukovar have always been filled with dreams. No, check that, not dreams, nightmares. Nightmares that not only woke me, but more often than not had left me drenched in sweat and shaking, with few memories of their details. I could generally guess about the contents of those past nightmares though, nightmares have haunted me for longer than I want to remember, and while for the most part they have faded, there are times of the year, like now, that they've always returned. So, again I ask myself, why is this year different?

For so long I dwelt on that final day to the exclusion of everything else it seemed, and in my mind it was as if my life had ended with the loss of my wife and children. I think too I had reached the point where I didn't want to relive the joy we shared because I felt I didn't deserve that anymore, and by only remembering that last day I could punish myself for failing them. Maybe this was God's way of saying that I had punished myself enough, or maybe Danijela herself was sending the dreams to me as her way of showing that she's forgiven me.

Reliving the first time we met and those early times together, it shocks me when I remember how young we both were. We had no idea of what our future held, we didn't care, all that mattered was how much we loved each other, and how long we would have to wait before we could be married. Daniejela was only 16 when we first professed our love to each other, I was 18, there was no question of her finishing school and I had to serve my stint in the military, it made sense to wait, but two years seemed like forever.

We survived it though, and when we married I was sure there had never been a bride more beautiful then Danijela was. After years of having the image of her bloodied body burned into my head, these dreams have given all that and more back to me, and I can't help but be thankful to whoever is responsible for sending them to me.

Muse: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER
Words:790

006. Bravery is the capacity to perform properly even when scared half to death. --General Omar Bradley



"Luka, we have to go!" While the gunfire outside the small African clinic made Carter jump, it seemed to have little if any affect on the tall Croat as he continued with the amputation of the leg of the small girl on the table in front of him.

"Not yet, take the others, I can finish up here. I'll follow with Chance when I'm done." Despite his efforts to conceal it, the tremble in his voice betrayed his own fears on the danger of their current situation.

"We're not leaving you." Carter stood firm even as he spotted several soldiers, with their rifles at the ready, cross the yard outside the window. "We won't have long and they'll be inside."

"I know, Carter, but, if I don't get everything closed before I move her, I risk losing her. I'm not taking that chance if I don't have to." Kovac's irritation toward the younger doctor was growing as the man persisted. Did he really think he wasn't aware of what was happening outside and the risk he was putting them all in by not stopping the surgery immediately? Hell, if Carter could get past his own fear he would see there was no choice in finishing, he reached for more gauze in an attempt to clear the field of the rapidly pooling blood.

"Luka!" Carter reached of the IV as the gunfire and yells outside signaled that they were now directly involved in the battle. "It's now or never, we take her as she is or they'll kill her and us."

"Damn." Kovac tied off his last stitch before hastily wrapping what remained of the young girl's leg. It would have to do. "All right, I've got her, give me the IV and let's go." After wiping his hands on the already bloodied towel on the cot, he scooped Chance up into his arms.

"Run!" As he hit the back-porch he heard the sound of the clinic's front door being forced open, it was all a number's game now, for all of them.

Muse: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER
Words: 341

Questions: c) What do you think is the most amazing thing that anyone has ever accomplished?

As a doctor, as someone who survived a war, and as someone who has chased death more often than any one person should have to in their life, I suppose the expected response would be for me to say it is having the ability to hold someone's life or death in your hands on a daily basis. You would think I would say that, but, I can't, because for me, there is one greater accomplishment that I didn't realize the importance of until I thought it had been lost to me.

I married my first wife, Danijela, when I was 20, and she was just 18 and within a year of our beginning our life together, we welcomed our first child, a daughter, Jasna. Within three years we welcomed our second child, a son, we named Marko. I loved being a father, and though work and classes often kept me away from them more than I liked, when I was home, when I wasn't studying, I wanted nothing more than to spend my time with my wife and children.

And then they were gone.

I thought my life was over. I wanted it to be. I prayed for the next mortar that fell to strike the building I was in, for a sniper's bullet to find me as I walked the streets of Vukovar in the days and weeks after they were laid to rest, but, they never came. Even in those final days, as the City fell to the Serbs I was left to wonder why I would be one of those spared when so many close to me would perish.

Danijela and I were only married for 5 years, but, it may have well been a lifetime for the love we shared, and without her and our children, I was nothing. I was lost, I was alone, and I couldn't understand why God refused to allow me to join those I loved in death.

It took years for me to learn the reason behind his sparing me. Years that would lead me far from the memories that still sometimes visit my dreams. In time I discovered I was able to love again, and with that love I rediscovered the one thing I thought I would never know again.

Parenthood. Fatherhood. The day I looked into my baby son, Josip's face I knew there was nothing more amazing, no greater accomplishment in fact, than the ability we have to create new life and with it to become a parent. To this day, I hold my son, and he seems to have a power over me that I can't explain. It doesn't matter what my day has been like, one look at his face, seeing his smile, and everything pales in comparison.

In the beginning I was worried that Joe would be taken from me as Jasna and Marko had been, but as the years pass, those fears have faded as well. As I watch him grow from infant, to toddler, to this amazing little boy who wants to know and do everything I can't imagine not being here to share those experiences with him, and I thank God for not answering my prayers all those years ago. More then anything though, I want to teach him all of those things I wasn't able to give to the brother and sister he will never know. I want to be the father to him that I would have been to my first children had they not been taken before they had a chance to experience life as he now is.

Muse: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER
Words: 601

Her name was Valerie, and she walked into my life at a time when it seemed like everyone else was walking out of it, or at least everyone who mattered that is. I suppose I couldn't really blame them, I'd become someone even I didn't want to be around, and as much as I wanted companionship, I was doing nothing that made anyone want to spend more than a few hours with me at most.

I met her in a bar. I was sitting at the bar alone, doing my best to drink myself into a stupor before finding my way home, a habit that was becoming far too common at the time, when she approached me. I wasn't surprised when she stopped to talk to me, women hit on me all the time, and back then I was taking advantage of it more than I want to admit. I needed to be with someone, I needed someone to hold me, to show me I could be loved again, even if it was only for an hour, and even if it was a stranger.

I guess what made her different from those that came before her, and even those that would come after, was that she was the only one I ever paid. Don't get me wrong, I didn't immediately jump at her offer, if anything my ego was a little bruised by it. Why should I have to pay a woman to spend time with me? But at that moment, in thinking about it, I knew I was alone, and I needed so very badly not to be, so, I said yes, and that night became the first of many I spent in her company before I found my way out of the darkness that I was living in.


Muse: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER
Words: 303

While I have yet to actually get my reading glasses (I see my doctor on the 10th for that), my eye surgeries went well and I'm seeing at a distance with no glasses. I picked up drugstore specs to tide me over and my muses are once more beginning to speak

That said, I finally feel really to start working my way back into responding to prompts with Luka and the others. I plan to also pick up those dropped rp threads, so, for those of you who have been patiently waiting, watch your mailboxes.

Thank you to everyone for your patience and understanding through all of this, I do appreciate it.

JD, voice for Luka, Daniel, and others...

Finally I have good news after so long of nothing but bad. I learned the results of my last blood draw and I'm up to 3.8, only .1 from what is considered the "normal" range. No more restrictions from going places, and my doctor is fairly confidant the danger associated with the allergic reaction has finally passed.

I saw my eye surgeon today, and go back tomorrow for additional pre-surgery tests before going under the knife for my first eye on the 17th. After a little recovery time, I'll go back in, and the second eye will be done on October 1st. I'm hoping that by mid-Oct I will be back to my old self and ready to jump back into prompts with Luka and the rest of my muses.

Thanks in advance to everyone for their patience and the positive thoughts.

JD

I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow, I promise an actual update when I get home, in the meantime...

In 1938, the March of Dimes asked everyone to give up ten cents to cure polio. It sounded crazy at the time, but it worked. Now standup2cancer launching a drive to collect 10,000 five-dollar donations in four weeks, getting them $50,000 closer to ending cancer.

One person's five dollars can make a huge difference. To learn more, visit su2c.org at the link below.

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Well, I have good news and bad news in this update...

On the good news side, my white count has finally started to rise, it is now up to 2.8 and if it continues to rise I'll get to avoid the bone marrow test that is currently pending.

Unfortunately, it seems with all good news in my life there must come bad, and I now know why my computer viewing has been so difficult. It seems that the cataracts that have been sitting in my eyes for over a year have "blossomed" and I'm now scheduled to see a surgeon on the 3rd about their removal.

Again, I can only ask people's patience with me, I love my muses, especially Luka, and I miss writing for them, but, I just can't get into their heads right now for prompts, I hope you understand.

JD

So, I found out the results of my blood tests, and instead of the white blood count going up, it went down again. I spoke to my doctor, and she's ordered another draw on Monday, depending what those results show, she thinks she'll probably refer me to a hematologist for tests to see if they can find a reason for why my count is so low, and why it continues to drop. I'm not excited, both about the testing, and being stuck at home because she doesn't want me out where I might be exposed to sick people. Keep your finger's crossed that it's nothing serious, Wednesday will be the day we get the next results.

JD

Thought I'd share the latest for those who might be wondering. I'm still not doing very well, my white count is still low, only 1.9 at the last blood draw, and that's just up .1 since my discharge and almost a full 1 down from what it was when they admitted me to the hospital in July. My doctor has told me I'm not allowed to go out where I might be exposed to anyone who might be ill, and I'm not even allowed to go to the water therapy classes I use to manage the pain of my arthritis and fibro, so, I'm essentially home-bound. If we see no improvement with the lab results we're waiting on now, they are going to start looking for causes outside of just the drug allergy they initially expected was the cause of everything, which gives me cause for worry, but, I'm hanging in.

As much as I want to, I just can't seem to get my head into writing right now, and while I love my muses, I just don't want to post crap to say I've written something. Thank you everyone, for your patience, and your messages, it means a lot. Mods, if you have someone waiting on Luka and you need to punt me, I understand, I just don't know how long this is going to take.

JD

After 6 days in the hospital, and 3 days of being sick at home before that, I'm ready for things to get back to normal. At it's worst my white blood count had gotten down to 1.2 and the doctors had restricted my vistors to only those who were healthy, and were a step away from implimenting isolation procedures because I was not fighting off infections. My count on discharge was back up to 2.8 and hopefully it will continue to climb.

While they are not sure exactly what happened, we think it was a combination of things brought on by an allergic reaction to a new medication and then accentuated by my auto-immune disorder which was unable to fight the after-effects, as if those weren't enough, both my Fibro and Arthritis were also in major flare-ups. We think things are turning around, but I have two doctor visits next week which will be the true show for that, so, keep your fingers crossed.

I've just been home two days and while I haven't yet started to really write, I'm hoping that by next week I'll start to feel like I'm ready to. Thank you to all the Mods and those who read Luka for their patience.

JD

I know it's seems like forever since I've posted, and I offer my apologies to both the Communities I have Luka in as well as those who follow his musings. I deal with serious health issues and I've been trying to manage major flare-ups with several of them that are impacting not just my ability to focus, but my writing in general. I saw my doctor on Friday and in addition to changing one of the medicines I'm on, I also received injections in both shoulders that we hope will alleviate some of the pain. With luck this will allow me to regain the concentration I need to respond to prompts. Once again, thank you to everyone for their patience and understanding.

The only work I've ever done for pay has been in medicine.

I knew at a very young age I wanted to be a doctor, so I started school as soon as I finished my military service. I'm not going to say things were easy, because they were anything but. In fact, there were many times we struggled, but, my wife and I had decided from the start of our marriage that we weren't going to depend on our parents to bail us out when things got rough. We felt that if we were old enough to get married, then we had to prove we were old enough to handle whatever came our way.

Of course neither of us expected things to get as bad as they did in Vukovar, but, by then, it didn't even matter what kind of a job you had, everyone was facing the same obstacles, and even if the money had been there, it wouldn't have mattered.

Muse: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER
Words: 162

Name and last prompt done/active Community

aamuses: Step 5 / Step 6 not posted
artistic license: May
couples therapy: 64.5
creative muses: May
on the couch: 48.4
realm of the muse: 2009 18.2
theatrical muse: 285
writers muses: 85.6

Challenges
10 er fics: General Table Completed/ Character Table Open
10 Hurt Comfort: New Chart Started: Do it Yourself
Basic Chart 9 Completed
100 Moods: 62 Prompts Completed
100 Situatons: 71 Prompts Completed

Communities that are no longer being updated
canon muses: closed
erotic muses: withdrew
ineffable fandom: no recent prompt updates
muse pens: no recent prompt updates

talking muses: closed
true writers: closed
the big show: closed</blockquote>

"Why do you keep asking me things like that?" Luka glanced at Abby over the rim of the beer he was drinking.

"Because I'm trying to find out more about you, now, answer the question. If you could meet any person in the world, dead or alive, who would you want it to be?" As she finished, Abby picked a peanut out of the bowl on the bar and tossed it at him.

"Hey, don't throw things." Luka lifted a hand, deflecting it before it made contact, but, not before Abby had another at the ready.

"Are you going to answer the question then? I've got a whole bowl, I can do this all night." As if to prove her point, the small brunette cocked her wrist, intending to make good on the threat.

"Last chance."

"You're not going to know who it is." As he spoke, Luka kept his hand up, ready to block again if needed.

"You're stalling." She flexed her fingers for the throw, sure he was going to force her to make good on her threat afterall.

"Okay, okay, Tin Ujević. Satisfied." Luka kept his hand up just in case Abby decided to throw the peanut anyway.

"Who?" Unable to register anything but confusion at his answer, Abby automatically released the weapon and let it fall back into the bowl.

"Tin Ujević, he's considered to be one of the greatest Croatian poets of all time, and I told you that you wouldn't know who he was." Luka reached for his beer not that the threat of attack had passed.

"A poet? A poet. Since when have you been into poetry?" Abby swept her hair from her face as she tried to reconcile herself with his answer.

"Since, I don't know, longer than I can remember."

"Do you have any of his poetry?" Abby found her curiosity growing as this new side of Luka was revealed.

"Yeah, I do."

"Will you share it with me?"

"It's not in English."

"That doesn't matter, you can read them to me." Abby laid her hand on his as she made the request.

"I want to hear them the way you do. Luka, I want you to share them with me."

Two poems for you to enjoy...

Zelenu granu by Tin Ujević


And Uhapsen u magli by Tin Ujević

Keep to the shadows...

It was a mantra he forced himself to repeat anytime he left the apartment. In the early days it had been done simply as a reminder to himself.

Keep to the shadows...

The snipers were becoming more and more prevalent, their aim far deadlier. It didn't seem to matter who their targets were, the elderly woman queuing for a loaf of bread, the man with his child filling water jugs at the City spigot. Anyone was a ready target.

Keep to the shadows

It's easy before dawn, at dusk, even into the night, though risk is still there, the darkness holds safety. Or so we like to trick ourselves into believing, in reality there is no safety in our lives anymore. It's with full daylight that the true danger arrives though, but, what can we do? We have to feed our families, we have to have water, for some, like me, there is still work that must be done and so we risk our lives in the world we no longer know.

Keep to the shadows

What choice do we have? Do we become hermits, hiding away in the darkness of our apartments with no heat, no electricity, no running water until necessity forces us to venture beyond those walls? This is our world now, the world we have bequeathed to our children, a world of fear and certain death unless we pray for God's protection, and keep to the shadows...


Muse: Luka Kovac
Fandom: ER
Words: 237

Thank you to all those who follow Luka and Joe, to all who nominated, and to those who will vote, your support is greatly appreciated.

Section One

5. Overall Most Beautiful/Handsome

Nominated dr_luka_kovac

7. Snappiest Dresser

Nominated dr_luka_kovac

11. Mature Hot Stuff

Nominated dr_luka_kovac

Section Two

4. Canon Roleplay Muse of the Year - Lead Character

nominated dr_luka_kovac

Section Three

4. Outstanding Prompt Response - Long Form

D. Dr. Luka Kovac

6. Emotional Prompt Response of the Year

C. Dr. Luka Kovac

7. Comedy Prompt Response of the Year

M. Dr. Luka Kovac

8. Canon Prompt Response of the Year

E. Dr. Luka Kovac

10. Fanfic of the Year

C. Dr. Luka Kovac

Section Four

5. NPC of the Year

C. dr_luka_kovac 's Joe

9. Good Guy/Good Girl of the Year

Nominated dr_luka_kovac.

13. Nicest Writer/Roleplayer

Nominated notyourdannyboy (one of my other muses)

I'm a Father, how can I not be proud of my son, so, when you cast your Tammy ballot in Section Four, please remember this face...







Cast your vote here: The Tammys

Thank you to all who follow Luka's musings, he's a challenge to write, but, I do so enjoy him.
Please feel free to vote for him here: